Literal Fiction

As of now...

2011-05-05T23:24:00.000-05:00

As of now I am ecstatic with my marriage
As of now I don't want kids for a while
As of now I LOVE working with my youth group
As of now I have dreams
As of now I am open
As of now I have a vision
As of now I hear a calling
As of now I am not fearful
As of now I am excited
As of now I am my own person
As of now I see a new path

As of now WE are loving life with each other
As of now WE are open and listening
As of now WE are waiting
As of now WE see the beauty in the small things

All of this said....I'm ok with it all...

Rainy days and smokey fireplaces

2011-04-21T13:23:00.000-05:00

I am sitting in the Dallas airport waiting for my connecting flight to San Antonio (shout out to Stevie!) and it is raining. Under any other circumstances, I would welcome the rain. I love rain, but not when I am flying...anyways. Growing up in Southern California granted me some special privileges, one of which is the occasional days, or weeks, of misty, rainy days. Growing up, my sister and I would go out in the rain, bundled up of course, thanks to our mother, and splash around until it got dark or we got too cold. AND if there was a strong wind, we would get our umbrellas out and pretend to be Mary Poppins (and we totally believed that we flew with those umbrellas, even if it was for a split second...I mean come on what kid doesn't believe that they can fly at one point in their lives?) After we would come in, our mom would make us take hot showers so that we could warm up and not get sick. By that time our dad would be home and it would never fail, if it was a rainy, stormy day, there would be fire in our fire place when we got out of the shower.

To me, our fireplace had a very specific smell. Smokey with a hint of pine...well at least to me. My dad was the fire maker in our family. He could make a fire in seconds with paper as the lighter or with gas...a talent I must say. He would always change into this red sweatshirt when he would get home on cold days and he would inevitably start the fire with that sweatshirt on. It always smelled like smoke and pine and my dad...best combination. When my dad passed away that was the one thing his sister wanted...that red sweatshirt. I smelled like my dad.

The house I live in now with my husband has one of those fake electric fireplaces that blows out heated air...humorous to a girl that grew up with a roaring fire at any sight of rain or cold. At first I was upset that we didn't have a REAL fireplace, but as I thought about it and went through this past winter, I was suddenly ok with it. I think that the smell of a fire in the house would remind me too much, right now, of my dad and I would never want to have a fire. I know that I will never be as good as my dad at building one, but hopefully, one day, when we have a fireplace, I will be able to sit by it with a book in my hand and simply be with my dad.

Time flies...and the hurt remains

2011-04-01T14:25:00.000-05:00

It seems so wrong that a year has gone by since my daddy died. Every time I think about him my heart just aches and hurts with the pain and remembrance of him. I miss him tremendously. It's weird how many times I have had something happen and then I have the urge to call dad...and then I remember...I can't. I still feel like there is a hole inside of me. So many events have happened in this past year where a daughter should of had her daddy with her. There have been several weddings I have attended where it becomes extremely hard to watch the father-daughter dance, because I couldn't have one. Christmas time was the hardest...it was his favorite holiday. Even having to talk about him in the past tense seems wrong. There are so many places I don't want to go because of how much the places remind me of him. But as one of my good friends, Stephanie, told me, I also have wonderful memories of him at these places. One of these places is my backyard at my house in Yucaipa. My dad never was the stereotypical male. He loved to cook and to garden. Not a weekend would go by without my dad outside, puttering around in the yard or outside grilling...if the "harsh" southern California weather permitted it. The backyard became his canvas. While the roses were specifically my mom's job, everything else belonged to my dad. My dad would be up and working in the yard before I even got up on Saturday. He would make multiple trips to the nursery to stock up on marigolds, peonies, and even more roses. He would even go outside after he got home from work. Those were the times I would go and talk with him the most, I think. He would be watering the plants and I would go out and talk with him about school or the sports I was in. He would always act like he was going to spray me. Granted, a few times he did, in fact he did it enough times that I never knew whether or not he was actually going to. As I grew older and went out more or had sporting events on the weekends, I would drive home to see him either in the garage or in the front yard working on stuff. It was like a welcome home ritual. Outside of flowers, my dad was big on trees. We had these two HUGE willow trees in our back yard...we really had two of everything; one for me and one for my sister. (Sadly, these trees got a termite infestation...but let's keep with the positive). When my husband and I finally moved into our house, my dad, via my mom, bought us a Chinese Pistach tree in memory of my dad. This little tree, I am happy to say, survived our ridiculous winter. I am able to look out in our backyard and see my dad. I still wish that I could sit next to him and get a hug, but at least I can look out my window and say hi.

So I admit it...

2010-12-28T12:47:00.003-06:00

...it has been a while since I have been here, but I have a really good reason, I swear. It's called life. Thanksgiving came up, them finals that I had to grade, then the wedding of my bro-in-law, then Christmas, and oh yeah, I am still trying to get the hang of my new job as the county's grant writer. So please excuse my absence.

These are the first holidays without my dad and it feels weird and I don't like it. Thanksgiving was okay because I was with all of his family and we had a great time, but then Christmas came. Christmas was his favorite time of the year. It's weird. It's been eight months and there are still times when I want to get on the phone and call him to tell him something and then I realize that I can't. Those incidents suck...incredibly. And then, like I said, Christmas comes and everything about the holiday reminds me of him. All of our traditions seem to be linked to him in some sort of way. I wanted to wake up and go out to the livinig room where he would have built a fire and sit and watch the Christmas Story (which is on 24 hours from Christmas Eve to Christmas Day...doesn't get better than that!). I wanted to give him his presents and then make breakfast with him while everyone cleaned up. But most of all I wanted to hear him laugh, talk, and feel him giving me a hug.

On top of this, I wasn't even with my family this year for Christmas. Seeing as how I am married and live in Clovis, NM, this makes it a little bit difficult. It seemed wrong, different, weird, and simply not Christmas. Granted, Jason and I get to make our own traditions, but like I've said...I don't handle change very well. I know that this year will be filled with "firsts." First Christmas without him, first brithdays, first everything. I am just hoping it gets easier, well, maybe not easier, but better.

So I admit it...I miss my daddy...

I cooked and baked this weekend...and I'm ok with that.

2010-11-08T10:36:00.002-06:00

I woke up Saturday and thought, "I want to bake." Now let me tell you, out of my sister and me, I am the cook and she is the baker. I make cookies taste like a salt mine and she makes corn bread taste like dry corn tortillas. Needless to say, I had no idea where this want to bake came from. So I went on the internet with the intent on finding two recipes: pumpkin roll and lemon poppy seed bread. When I searched for the lemon poppy seed bread I was surprised to find the Joy of Cooking recipe. This reminds me of baking with my my mom and my sister during the holidays. I didn't come out exactly as I wanted it to, but it was decent. Ha!

Now the pumpkin roll. My aunt used to make this every holiday. Once she passed away, my sister was the one to bake it. It has a very special place in my heart as one those special foods that bring back a barrage of memories. The smell, the taste, everything. I think I was more worried about trying to make this dessert than the bread. Thankfully, it came out and tasked legit! So happy.

My life 2.0

2010-11-03T09:09:00.002-05:00

So good news of this week: I got a new job. I have received a offer to be Curry County's new grant coordinator. Rather exciting true -- a bit nerve racking...OH YEAH! I will start next Monday and will slowly assimilate since I will still be teaching through December.

I have wanted to get into this field ever since I worked for Urban Promise in Camden, NJ. Grants can do amazing things and why not try and better the county I am living in right?

So here's to long days, stressful deadlines, and a job that actually makes a difference in the world...well at least in Clovis, NM.

Sometimes it takes me a while to learn

2010-11-01T22:20:00.004-05:00

There are days when I feel trapped. Trapped by my choice in career. Trapped by my choice in where I live. Trapped by my choice of who to love. But once I meditate on the choices that I have made I realized that I am afraid of the lack of change. I have always said that I hate change because I like to know they way things work. But what I am really not ok with is change that happens around me and not to me. I do not want things in my life to stay the same because I want options to have in case I get bored with my choices or my choices back fire on me. All in all, after the tossing and the turning, the mental abuse I put myself through, I come to a conclusion. I am not in control of my life in any way shape or form. I have to release the control of what I want. I am given what I am given for a reason. Granted God does not simply hand things out to me for the taking. I have to step out in faith. Whether or not I step out in faith with God's blessing, so to speak, is up to me and whether or not I consult with God prior to anything that I do. It's that ANYTHING part that I have trouble keeping up with. I try and figure out my life without God. Recently it has been with my relatives. I have taken on the challenge of helping with a situation that I really have no reason to get in the middle of, and yet here I am, in the middle. I say that I do it because I love them and that it is God's way of showing them love through me, but what is my motive? I want them to thank me. I want to be the one without fault. But how many humans can claim that they are without fault? No one I know. It is hard for me to not want to help but I think in this situation I have to leave it in God's hands but make sure that I don't egg anything on. There has been one other situation in my life where I tried to make things work on my own and it ended up taring me up from the inside out, transforming me to my very core. Not something that I would like to relive anytime soon.

It always seems as if I have these deep thoughts in the evening...maybe I need to eat dinner earlier...hmmmm.....

Favorite non-religious holiday

2010-10-30T11:33:00.002-05:00

Yep, it's true. Halloween is my favorite non-religious holiday. I would say the Fourth of July, but since that is my dear mother's birthday, it is not really a holiday to me...it's more of a, well birthday. Anyways, since I was little, and after I got over the scary aspect of this day of spooks and ghouls, I started to LOVE Halloween.

Growing up, Granny Essie, my grandmother on my Dad's side, would make our costumes every year...FROM SCRATCH! She rocks at sewing, something I obviously did not inherit, sadly. I was everything from Minnie Mouse to Cinderella. The latter is actually my favorite costume that she made. She made matching outfits for my sister as well, but always a different color or something like that so we could always tell the outfits apart. A clever trick to help us sisters not fight over them.

In my grown up years (ha). I have grown to love watching old horror flicks or old children's movies that came out during Halloween. Probably my favorite, and the one that makes me think of my dad the most, is The Adventures of Ichabod Crane and Mr. Toad. THE BEST! My sister agrees wholeheartedly and that's all I need for confirmation. ABC Family has been doing 13 night of Halloween this month. Guess what I have recorded on my DVR :-). It is rather upsetting that Halloween falls on a Sunday because I can't stay up late watching movie because of work. Such a sad state of affairs.

To all those who enjoy the holiday or at least enjoy season to which it falls in...HAPPY HALLOWEEN!

I miss the past

2010-10-29T09:11:00.002-05:00

It's so strange how time slips by and you try as hard as you can to control it, to tame it, and yet, it still wanders by without giving you the time of day (no pun intended). I took to looking back at my picture from the past five or so years and I got a huge ache in my heart. I miss so many things. I wish that I could turn back time to relive certain days. For my sake let me list them:

High school/club volleyball games and tournaments...so amazing
Freshman year in Adams 1st west!
Alpha: this could be several posts in it of itself!
Cougar Walk
English Department at APU
Theology classes at APU
Plays at APU
Disneyland being SO close
The beach being SO close
9-1-1 chapels
Mosaic in Pasadena
Driving with friends to dinner, movies, LA, you name it.
Camden, NJ...again, a whole other topic
Weekend trips
Josh Brady's parents house
Driving in Yucaipa, at night, with music playing, with friends (Andy Berry, Rachel Hoffman)

I could go on, but I won't. I simply realize that I have had an amazing life and I wish that I had the common sense to hold onto things more. I miss growing up....

The key to change...is to let go of fear.

2010-10-25T08:49:00.004-05:00

So I admit it. It has been way too long since I wrote anything on this little bloggy blog. I could say that I have to been extremely busy (and that's true...to a certain extent). Or I could say that I was lazy and simply didn't feel like writing (this is also true). But what really kept me away was fear. I feared that my writing and my voice would be counted for naught and that anyone who read this would think that I was a horrible writer, and worse yet, boring. It took a while to realize that this blog is for myself. A way to get rid of all the things that build up in my life, and even a way of sharing. Writing to the void of the Internet superhighway can sometimes be cathartic. You can feel as if you are telling your best friend about your issues (which I do anyways) but have the feeling that someone might just understand you and get what you are going through. It is this unspoken, unrealized bond that can get you through the day. This bond is something that I think the world has lost because of technology. We've learned to distance ourselves from everyone around us because it is "convenient." We text instead of calling. We e-invite instead of getting real invitations to send out. Granted I am not against the advantages that technology has to offer, but I am against losing ourselves to machines. Wow, tangent.

Anyways, I am going to try and dedicate more time to writing about things that happen, thoughts on my mind, and who knows what else may pop up on this screen.

For today, I want to talk about blessings. Blessings are interesting things to me. But it is not the actually blessing that intrigues me, it is the way people act about blessings that causes me to pause. People are usually pretty good about recognizing certain blessings i.e. getting saved from a car accident, financial help, graduating :-). But then there are some blessings that are right in front of people's faces, including my own, that are not recognized as blessings, but rather, as a right or a given. And then, to go further, there are those blessings that are seen as curses and are cast in a negative light because of a person's perspective.

This past year has been full of each kind of blessings. To say that I recognized each blessing as it came into my lap would be quite a lie, but because of my husband, I have begun to see them more and more. So lets begin there. I got married. While in this age it does not seem like a big deal because of the divorce rate or the way cheating abounds, for me it was a culmination of all things good in the past 23 years of my life. I am married to an amazing man who loves the LORD and loves me for who I am. To say we are the perfect couple would be wrong, but to say that we are perfect for each other would be absolutely right. I never dated before my husband. I think it was something I always knew about myself. My first boyfriend was going to be my husband. Call me crazy, but I think that is the way to do it. Of course you have to really know yourself in order to do this because if you don't know who you are how are you going to to know who you want to spend the rest of your life with? Now, I do understand that a person changes when in a relationship, but essential qualities of that person should not change. The blessing here is pretty obvious. I married my best friend. He supports me for who I am and my dreams and I support him and his dreams. Having known him for two years prior to even dating, I believe, helped this situation.

With this marriage came several differences in my life. I have a permanent roommate which is great! I have a house, which is rather odd for newlyweds to have seeing as there are less than 40% of house owners who are 35 or younger and that percentage is steadily declining. There are times when I take it for granted. I forget that this is not the norm and that God has blessed my husband and me tremendously.

Another blessing that occurred this year was that reconciliation with my dad. For a while my dad and myself had not been on the best of terms. Yeah, we put on a happy face when we were around people, but the close intimate relationship that only happens between a father and his daughter was missing. Sadly, this happened because my dad got sick and was sent to the hospital. Crazy that it takes the lowest of lows for people to figure out that they love each other and that they want to put the past behind and move on. My dad passed away on April 1st of this year. A really bad April Fool's joke if you ask me. He went into the hospital in October and stayed there until the end. Because I was out in Texas doing my MA, I didn't get to see him that often. I came home about five times throughout the six month span. I miss him tremendously and wish that he was still here. It has gotten better, but I still thank God that we were able to set things aside. I love him with all my heart and always will.

The EPIC Twilight Drinking Game (movie version)

2010-07-09T18:04:00.002-05:00

Okay, some of you may or may not know that I do enjoy Twilight. But it isn't this wishy-washy "I want Edward Cullen/Jacob Black to be real and marry me" crap. I am interested on an academic/sociological level. But every now and then one should enter into the realm that is Twi-hard and have some fun. My friend, Stephanie, and I made the ultimate and most epic Twilight drinking game rules for the first film. They are as follows:

One drink for:

Mention of the vampire's diet
Bella has a voiceover
Someone has a cell phone on screen
Bella flips her hair
Bella stammers
Bella is referenced to as "Arizona"
Someone is in plaid (this one is DANGEROUS)
Emmett talks
Bella is klutzy
Ridiculous dialogue i.e. "spider monkey" etc.
Charlie says/does a zinger
Alice has a premonition
Bella acts like a tease (poor Mike and Jacob)
Wolves are mentioned

Two Drinks for:

Carlisle wears a scarf
Product placement
Twilight Saga repeats in dialogue i.e. "It's time."
Religious symbol or icon is on screen

Three Drinks for:

Robert slips into his British accent
Carlisle puts his hand on Edward's shoulder

Have fun with this one...we only got half way through and it was GREAT!

My Daddy

2010-04-12T10:08:00.003-05:00

I Will Miss You Always, Daddy

April 5th, 1954 ~ April 1st, 2010

What can you accomplish in four months?

2009-05-08T11:09:00.004-05:00

Pages written: 115
Pages read: close to 5000
Longest "day": 38 hours

Wow. I am done OFFICIALLY with my first year of graduate school. I do not deny the excitement I feel, but there also is this nagging feeling of, "You don't know what you are going to do after you get your MA..." (just imagine a deep, coarse, whisper saying that in your head over and over...yeah, scares me too). This past semester has been one of the worst in the history of the universe. OK, I lie, but you get the picture. I have never worked so hard and then have someone say, "That's not good enough." It makes you wonder if you are cut out for the job. While, indeed, this was one of the hardest semesters, I recognized several aspects:

1. "Worrying does not empty tomorrow of its troubles; it empties today of its strength"
2. School is school...not life
3. God never leaves you, and He finds your value outside of the classroom
4. My fiance is one of the most encouraging and faithful persons in my life
5. Film can kick Romanticism's butt any day
6. I have some real good friends out in Lubbock

I must agree with everyone in acknowledging that this semester has helped me grow. But there is NO WAY I AM EVER REPEATING THIS AGAIN. You cannot force me, I am digging in my heals. But enough about the past...

I am home now in good ol' Southern California for a long span of time. IT is nice to be home, but I feel torn between here, Texas, and New Mexico. Kind of a weird feeling. I came back to California for three reasons. One, I came home to see my mom, yes, my mom. She is my best friend and I missed her... A LOT. Two, my first year of Alpha students are graduating from college on Saturday (not gonna cry, not gonna cry...). Lastly, I needed to come home to start working on wedding plans! Yep, in just over a year I will be getting married. So exciting! So, now I am taking a week and a few days to hang out with my mom to plan, hopefully, everything. I know that a year seems extremely long, but trust me, it will FLY by. School kind of inhibits your sense of time, which is good for certain aspects of your life, and not so good for others. But we shall see what this year brings...

Two Seconds of your time...Literally

2009-04-04T14:08:00.002-05:00

So basically I am writing this during my alloted five minute break of writing papers. This semester has been one of the more difficult ones in the history of my class taking experience. I pray that I will never have another one like it. But I am alive, barely, and will give a more detailed update when my semester is finished.

Exactly one month to go!

Back-road Diamonds

2009-02-20T20:02:00.007-06:00

This past semester I was in a film class, which completely turned my academic career upside-down. It was fascinating to read a film similar to the way that I would read a piece of literature. As part of this class the students had to submit a green-light project. The basic guidelines were to simply create a project within the realm of film and/or cinema. The projects ranged from a book review to a dissertation bibliography. There were several films that were shown in the class and I was one of those that submitted a film. Here is the completed project. The basis of the film has its foundation in my other passion: the forgotten. I just wanted to get it out for others to see because I think that this is an important topic for people to know about. ENJOY!!!!

*thank you to all who have helped with this project, albeit, unknowingly with their pictures*

I'm in love, I'm in love, and I don't care who knows it!!!

2009-01-01T10:15:00.004-06:00

Well, Internet, this past weekend has been what I have already labeled as "The Most Fantastic Day of My Life...Thus Far." This last weekend I got engaged to my amazing boyfriend. He came out for Christmas break (since I still go by "school terms"). Earlier on when we had been talking about what day and what time he would be coming out and all, he had mentioned that we should go on a date to the beach when he first gets out here. Now, me being me, completely ran with this idea. "Oh, can we make this our Christmas Date?" "Can we dress really nice?" "Can we walk to the gazebo at the end of the boardwalk after dinner?" Yeah, in my opinion, I made this the easiest proposal thus far in history...in the universe!

He was supposed to fly into the airport and land at 3:10. But due to ice in Denver in the morning, all the succeeding flights were delayed...BY TWO HOURS!!! He calls me frustrated saying that his plane is late and that is making him nervous and anxious, and here I am thinking, "Why? Planes get delayed...????" Anyways, so he gets here around five, and we head out to Laguna ( my "2nd" favorite beach). After some pleading, not much, but some, we ended up going to this sushi restaurant called San Shi Go. AMAZING! I love this place. We go and wait outside for a table and while we are waiting I ask him "If there is one thing that you would want to do while you're in California what would it be?" Now, in my mind I am thinking like is there a place that you really want to go visit or a restaurant that you want to eat at, things similar to that. He, on the other hand, is thinking of one specific event, but does not want to do it before dinner so he tells me that he needs to think about it.

We finish dinner and head out to the boardwalk and start to climb up the hill to the gazebo. First of all, this gazebo ALWAYS has someone in it...ALWAYS, so when we get there and no one is in it I am stoked because it has a GREAT VIEW of Laguna. So we stand there for a bit and then he says that there is one thing that he wants to do while in California. (See, I set him up for ease and greatness) He says that he has another gift for me. At this point I groan because I am HORRIBLE at receiving gifts, no, really I am. But then he catches me when he says that it is a note. Being an English major/grad student, words of affirmation are a top notch gift idea. So that brightens my face up and I get a bit excited. He pulls the note out of his pocket and gets down on his knee. The note is rolled up like a scroll and the ring is slipped over it. I KNOW, SO CUTE!!!!!!!! I foolishly take a step back and say, "What?!" Instantly the tears/giggles/shakes descend on my body. Of course I say yes, because I love this man, but I still laugh at my first reaction.

This past week has been filled with seeing family and friends to spread the good news. It has been wonderful.

Happy New Year's!!!

Santa!!!! I know him! I KNOW him!

2008-12-25T10:39:00.004-06:00

Christmas...it happens to be my favorite holiday. No, no, no, I said Halloween was my favorite NON-RELIGIOUS holiday. Christmas is my ALL TIME FAVORITE, hands down. The feelings that accompany this time of year are amazing. You can feel stressed and excited all at the same time. But honestly, I love the time of the year from just after Thanksgiving all the way up to New Year's Day. It brings up a feeling of nostalgia. I remember that days where Santa was too elusive to be caught because he had years of practice. My favorite memories of the holidays are of Mom putting up Christmas decorations while we listened to Nat King Cole's Christmas album. I grew up on GREAT music. Nat King Cole, Dean Martin, Bobby Darin, Ol' Blue Eyes, Harry Conick Jr., the list could go on and on...oh Diana Krall too. But there was never a Christmas that there wasn't music. My mom and my grandparents ALWAYS wanted me to play the piano on Christmas...I silently think that I broke their hearts when I stopped playing the piano. Five years wasn't enough to commit to memory all Christmas songs. To this day I still think that look at me and shake their heads with disappointment ;-) Good thing I know someone else who can play the piano...from memory...real well...good ol' BF.

This year is the first time in a long while that it has been cold on Christmas. For the past, oh I don't know, 7 or 8 years, it has been above 75 degrees on Christmas Day. Kind of a Debbie Downer for those of us that wish for white Christmas. But today it is a cool 50 degrees, but feels like 46 (thank you weather.com). Maybe one year I will have my white Christmas...but not today.

I think I like Christmas because I can pretend/act like I am a kid again. My presents still say, To: Rachel From: Santa. Oddly, I never noticed that Santa's handwriting looked an awful lot like Mom's...children aren't too concerned with handwriting when they just received the long awaited Water Baby Doll. I like to watch TONS of Christmas movies. Some of the favorites and must sees are: (in no particular order)

1. Christmas Story (You'll shoot your eye out, kid)

2. It's A Wonderful Life (Every time a bell rings, an angel gets its wings)

3. How the Grinch Stole Christmas (the animated version, of course) (Who-ville)

4. Home Alone (AAAAHHHHH!!!)

5. Elf (Buddy the Elf, what's your favorite color?)

6. Muppet Christmas Carol (AMAZING!!!...After all there's only one more sleep till Christmas)

There are also other movies that I would place in the Christmas category, but are not specifically labeled as "Christmas":

Little Women (new and old)

You've Got Mail

Sleepless in Seattle

When Harry Met Sally

While You Were Sleeping

Enjoy your holiday season! And Merry Christmas everyone!!!

2008-12-11T15:19:00.003-06:00

Okay so I am pretty horrible at keeping up my blog. I blame it ALL on school. Speaking of school...(nice segue, huh)...I have just finished by first semester of graduate classes at Tech. It has probably been one of the most emotion-filled "semesters" of my life. I never felt more challenged in school than during these past few months. Having to balance both academics and the assistantship taught me a lot about patience and discipline. At least I feel more prepared for these coming semesters than I felt about three months ago.

Probably the best experiences that I had this semester were accumulated in my Film Studies class. This was a GREAT class to take to offset the mundane classes that occupied my other 6 units. Actually, my theory class was not bad. I enjoy theory and this was at the very least and interesting class...God bless my professor...oh, if only he could be described. But in all fairness, he was a good professor, just eccentric.

Anyways, FILM! New appreciation of an old love. I have decided to incorporate films studies into my degree plan as well as incorporate it into my thesis. I look to the future a lot don't I...hmmmm.

But, for now, I am relaxing and beginning to read all the books that I have to have done over Christmas break...there is no break for the academic. But that is ok because I always feel restless. My roommates can account for that. I will begin to watch movies. One DVD a day is my motto. So, this keeps me occupied. But at least I finally get to read novels and not the infinite piles of articles that have nothing to do with what I am going to do in my own classroom. Can ya tell I did not like on of my classes?

I must go back to reading about murder and mystery. Gaa, I LOVE gothic lit!

It's the Most Wonderful Time of the Year!!

2008-10-31T09:21:00.004-05:00

No, it is not Christmas time, although all the stores seem to think so. No, it is All Hallows Eve, more commonly known as Halloween. This is my favorite non-religious holiday. I have what I would like to call my "other" side. I tend to relish in all things dark and brooding. No, but really I am studying Gothic Lit in grad school. I love Halloween because of the air of excitement and "fun" that it brings. The supernatural has me somewhat fixated at the moment and what better night to relish in its beauty than in the holiday that was meant for it.

So, go out, find a haunted house, costume party, empty cemetery or go and sleep on an old Indian burial site and enjoy this night of nights.

Happy Haunting!!!!!

The cry of my heart

2008-10-20T21:50:00.004-05:00

It didn't seem this bad last year. Last year it was more of a fire that burn hot and bright within my heart and soul. Last year I knew that I would be going back in just a few months. This year, I fear that I won't see my "family" for a very long time.

I am sitting here, ashamedly, crying over how much I miss Camden. I miss the sights, the sounds, the smells, the comfort, the kids, the interns, the staff, and how close I felt to God there. My heart aches with the emptiness that I feel from the lack of all of that. I am jealous of Garrett and all that he gets to do. He gets to build these strong relationships with the kids and with the staff.

It is weird but I felt the most comfortable while I was in Camden. I felt so at home...looking back at it that seems a little weird, right? I remember when I was flying this summer into PHL I was able to look out of my window and see South Camden (the place where I lived last summer) and I had this undeniable feeling of coming home. I felt so relieved and joyful about being able to be back in my city. Like I said, I felt so close to God there. Maybe it was the simplicity of life or the fact that I felt that I was doing God's work, but I can't deny the feeling of seeing God everyday work in the lives of those people that are in Camden. Even thought it is ranked #5 most dangerous city in America, I never felt scared. Yes, frightened, but never scared. God has his hand in that place and there is still a deep yearning to be there.

I have started what I have deemed as the next stage of my life: grad school. During the summer I might be teaching or going to school or both, or I might even be in France studying French, I am not sure yet. But all I know is that that may not allow me to go to Camden for even a week during the summer. This thought almost has the ability to place me into a state of depression and sorrow. Don't get me wrong, I LOVE learning and exploring the realm of English lit and language, but I also have an ache and desire not to be separated from Camden.

I am left at a crossroad in my life.....

Yes, I did copy this from another blog...

2008-09-01T11:31:00.004-05:00

I got this from a VERY reliable source...wink, wink ;-)

I AM ... weird almost all of the time
I WANT... to have good relationships with my students when I become a professor
I HAVE ... allergies and I hate them...A LOT!!!!
I KEEP… count of all the paddidles that see (cars with one headlight) and I also keep every card that I have ever received...birthday, graduation, random ones...;-)
I WISH I COULD ... travel everywhere and take photographs of the surpassing glory that I find
I HATE ... people who smack their food/gum! oh and allergies!!!
I FEAR ... clowns...quit laughing
I HEAR ... the side comments that people don't usually think other people will hear...OH but I DO!
I DON'T THINK ... I will ever get tired of reading books
I REGRET ... quitting ballet when I was younger
I LOVE ... laughing and making other people laugh
I ACHE FOR ... sushi!!!!
I ALWAYS CRY ... during emotional parts of books...it is kind of lame I know.
I AM NOT ... afraid of snakes (well, non-poisonous ones anyway)
I DANCE ... when no one else is watching, or at least it is just Carrie, Em, and Ilise ;-)
I SING ... in my car...and that's about it...I wish I could sing
I NEVER ... go any where without a book with me
I RARELY ... take care of myself when I am sick...yes, I know, slap my hand
I CRY WHEN I WATCH ... The Family Stone...or Lord of the Rings...shut up all of you ;-)
I AM NOT ALWAYS ... always happy...contrary to popular belief.
I'M CONFUSED ABOUT ... lit theory...so many big words!!!!
I NEED ... a chiropractor
I SHOULD ... drink more water...

The bane of my existence...well at least for this morning

2008-08-28T11:36:00.001-05:00

Parking.

I guess with 26,000 students there are bound to be some problems with getting a good parking spot right...? And I thought APU was bad...uh, yeah no.

The day from...well you know...pops up daisies

2008-08-27T23:41:00.003-05:00

Well lets start this off by saying that I didn't make it to class today. Please keep in mind that this class was the class that I had been looking forward to ALL summer. And now the question of the moment is, "how did is come to pass that you missed your first day of your 'favorite' class?"...ever heard of RP's Heavy Towing company? Well, neither had I until today. Apparently, people in Texas, or rather Texas apartment complexes, take their parking spots very seriously. I had gone out this morning to run a quick errand before I got ready for class. I came back with about two hours before class started and seeing that the "free" parking spots were all occupied I sidled my car into the empty covered parking spot that resides right next to my apartment.

Less than two hours later...BAM! no car. Needless to say I thought my car had been stolen...I mean that would be an obvious solution right? Anyways, I take myself over to the leasing office and ask them about my disappearing car. A look of shock roles over the face of the assistant manager..."that was your car?!" Uh...nope just kidding. I just wanted to pretend to be a frightened grad student with no means of transportation...YES IT WAS MY CAR! Turns out someone came back to their apartment and found my little car resting in their place. Out came the cell phone and minutes later my car was swept away to spend the day in car jail. The manager gives me the number to the towing company and I head back to my apartment to give them a call. Minutes later I get off the phone. My car is fine. I have the directions to the towing company. I get the cost (lets not even talk about it shall we). Oh, but there is one little problem remaining...THE TOWING COMPANY IS FIFTEEN MINUTES AWAY FROM ME! Little ol' me has no way of getting up there. I don't know anyone. I have no one's phone number. And public transportation would not get me to the place.

Tears were, at this time, part of the equation to my day.

I call the leasing office again and explain my situation. The manager tells me that she will give me a ride and continues to apologize that this happened. From what I gathered, they usually call the resident if they have parked in someone's spot, but they did not know that Black Beauty (one of my car's name...in the process of changing due to the move...new place...new name) was mine.

As we are driving to RP's Heavy Towing company, the manager assures me that I will get a covered parking spot...FOR FREE, as well as trying to lower my next month's rent. Talk about the good LORD watching out for me. I suppose every city has there mixture of people. People who overreact and cost innocent, young grad students their sanity and invoke tears and then people who give it their all to make sure that you are ok. So the day ended up ok...I organized my apartment and hung up pictures to placate myself.

Lesson learned.

Have I ever mentioned that I don't like change...?

2008-08-25T21:35:00.000-05:00

Well, I know it has been a REALLY long time since I last posted but I have been busy out of my mind.

Tomorrow I embark on the journey called GRAD SCHOOL...yeah thunder and lightening do occur every time I say that name. In all honesty it is not as bad as I make it seem. I just don't like change and these past two and a half weeks have been the biggest amount of change in my short 21 years of life. I have gone from Jersey to L.A. to Texas and started grad school (thunder and lightening)...well the orientation part at least. I have this premonition that these first few weeks of school will be so horrifying that I will never want to go back (by "horrifying" I mean different and by "never want to go back" I mean will be nervous for a while). I think what makes this transition the hardest is the fact that I don't know anyone within a 100 mile radius. Yes, technology does make it easier than it would have been even thirty years ago but it is still a sad thought to know that everyday I will come home to an empty apartment. I do believe that I was spoiled in my last living arrangement. I lived with the three most AMAZING women I have ever met. I miss them terribly...their voices...their laughter...their silliness :) Never have I had a better living situation. To go from THAT to where I am at now is like stepping out from a sauna into below zero temperatures...shocking. Thankfully, I feel very safe and secure but the loneliness is the hardest aspect so far. Trepidation is beginning to take place in my heart and mind, to the point of numbness at times. I know that in a few weeks all will be fine and I would have developed a routine by then but it is that transition time that kills me and makes me want to stay home and never get out of bed and just hide from all the change that is going on in my life. Oh that I could jump ahead in time...

...my sister set her wedding date...CRAZY! She is getting married in October of next year...so weird...I miss her. She moved out to Kentucky because that is where Blake (her fiance) moved to to take a job opportunity. I have never been more than an hour from her my entire life and so once again I don't take too kindly to this piece of change. She would be the one that I could always go to when I was stressing out or just in need of a good time. She is has been my soul mate since I was born. She knows me like no else does. What I love the most is that she has the same kind of humor and personality idiosyncrasies as I do. We always have a good time when we get together...I miss her...

Camden seems like such a long time ago when in reality it has only been about three weeks. I miss my kids a lot...Tina, Zaria, James, Karle...they were the highlights of my day and I don't get to see them everyday now. I pray for them everyday and I hope that they are doing ok. I am SO glad that Garrett will be working there in the fall, that way I can keep an "eye" on them and make sure that they are doing ok. This summer was so much better than last year in so many ways. I LOVED the people that I worked with and lived with. We never had any problems with each other...and I met some really amazing people...(KC and RF yeah you know who you are :) ). When I left to go back home it felt like I was saying goodbye to another part of my family...it was actually very bittersweet. The summer was crazy!!! I saw so many things that I would have never experienced anywhere else. Like for example...a crack user came into our camp during camp hours and locked herself in our bathroom and we had to call the police so that they could break down the door and cuff her...yeah real fun summer lol. Or how about sitting and talking to two girls and having them say that they don't want to be saved right now because their grandmother told them that being saved was a huge responsibility and they don't want to have that responsibility right now...pretty intense right...?

Well, I guess I will just have to wait out these next few weeks huh? I must say that I am extremely lucky because I do live about one hour and forty minutes from the most amazing man ever. He has helped me through so much this summer and this past year. Thank you God for him. He is a huge reason for me wanting to be here. I love him kind of a lot... ;)

Peace for now...

Week One = DONE!!

2008-07-05T16:50:00.000-05:00

Monday brought about the first day of camp and I was nervous granted I always get nervous my first day of anything new, but anyways...basically a regular camp day consists of such: we (the interns) arrive at camp at 8:15am. Albert (our director) goes to pick up the kids from downtown Camden because our camp is based in North Camden...sketchy lol. But seriously, its cool and I actually feel really safe in the building that we hold camp...tangent story (this story will totally discredit my previous statement) So for the past few days that we have gotten to camp the interns and our Assistant Director (AD) have sat on the church steps and watched the neighborhood around us. Block and a half down for the church door is a drug corner where people meet to buy and use drugs and then straight in front of the church across the street is an alley where fiends sleep and use and do whatever else they want. So, I think it was Tuesday that we are sitting out on the steps and we watch as a guide (someone who finds drug users for the dealers) goes back into the alley and tells them all that there is a seller at the corner with fresh drugs...no joke about 10 people come out of the alley and start to run/stumble their way over to the corner...SKETCH! :)...anyways the kids are brought back around 8:30 or so and then breakfast follows shortly after. At the end of breakfast we have opening program! I absolutely love opening program because it give me an excuse to be goofy and weird...openly :) Then we split off into classes. Then depending on the day we have different activities in the afternoon and evening.

So back to Monday...the camp that I work at does not have a good turn over rate from the younger kids camp because the younger kids camp is in downtown Camden...that means that each year the older kids camp has a whole new group of kids and this year's group is very young...and small. The first day of art went really well. The kids like to sit and draw so we incorporated that into our first activity. Thankfully, it wasn't too hot that day otherwise the kids can get antsy. At the end each day we always go outside and play with the kids until it is time to take the home. As we were doing this on Monday, I remembered how I tried to force the kids to interact with me and how that didn't really work. So instead I just sat on the steps and watched the kids play. Pretty soon this group of girls came up to me (Zaria, Tatyana, Tina, and Danielle) and they start to talk to me and ask me questions about myself and play with my hair :) It was nice to know that they automatically felt comfortable with me.

Well, next let me tell you who I live with and work with. On my team I work with Kelsey (she teaches art with me) who is from Maryland and goes to school in Washington state; Elizabeth (teaches hodge podge) is from Virginia and goes to school at William and Mary; Willie (teaches Bible) who is from Malawi and just graduated; Garrett (teaches Rec) who as you all know, is from APU and is part of the group that I lead here; Pookie (our assistant director) from Camden and is still in going to college, he is 23; and our Director Albert has grown up in Camden and graduated from college last year and now works full time at Urban. The other people in my house are Ally, who is my roommate = AWESOME!; Rachel F. who is very similar to me in likes and personality...it must be the name; Alex who is from Canada; and then Bob and Julia are Co-AD's at the younger kids camp.

Tuesday at camp was great. I was greeted with a huge hug from Zaria :) This is when we made our marshmallow towers and had competitions between the boys and girls in each class. After camp on Tuesdays (and Thursdays if we don't have a game) our camp has basketball practice. I was kind of hesitant to help out with it because of the fiasco that happened last year but I went and helped anyways and it ended up being a lot of fun. The girls are actually really fun to work with...sometimes ;)

Wednesdays will forever be the greatest day during the camp week. These days are our swimming days. We take a bus to a huge pool in Philly and we are assigned pool buddies for the day. As I get on the bus two girls, Tina and Shawnnay, ask me to sit with them. SO CUTE!!! AND as we drive Shawnnay tells me that I am one of her favorites (besides Brittany who is a street leader). I am so blessed by the kids it is incredible...and it is only week one!!!

Thursday was kind of similar to Tuesday schedule-wise except for the evening. Every Thursday we go out as just a camp and plan for the next week what we want to do for opening program. It is always a fun time because your camp gets to bond away from Camden and the house. We ended up going to Starbucks and it was weird because even though we have only been in Camden for about 1.5 weeks I still felt out of place when I went to Starbucks. Waa Wa.

And Friday was our day off for the fourth of JULY!!!!! Nice!

And...end scene

Worry...shmurry...right?

2008-06-20T20:24:00.000-05:00

Far be it for me to ever worry about things, but yet I do...go figure...anyways, with Camden being less than five days away, thoughts have begun to nit-pick at my mind. Health and safety of my team, health and safety of the other interns that will be traveling from all over to Camden, finances (basically keeping track of the money that we bring from APU), packing (for both Camden and TX)...and finally the mystery of what the first week will entail. Last year...ha ha, oh last year, my second day of camp ended as such:

"After practice was over me and the girls were walking back to the camp site and as we were standing outside the door Michelle (the girl with the knife on her) and another girl LaLa got into an argument. The argument escalated into the two girls throwing punches, scratching each other, and hair pulling. I had to get into the middle of the fight and try to pull them apart. They would not stop yelling and "bagging" on each other. Finally, Courtney came and tried to help me pull them apart. This continued for a good minute or two until Michelle's brother came up and pulled them apart and took Michelle home. So frightening!!! So that was Tuesday haha."

So...yeah. I am hoping that this year won't be that, shall we say, intense? :-) Throughout my life I have been what one might call a "worry-wart." Not the best, but hey I have learned to live with it. And THAT has been a major stronghold in my life. I have learned to live with worry and stress and that is not what I/we are supposed to do. My banner on my phone says "Do not worry" and it was placed there by someone that I love very much who saw what worrying was doing to me wanted to leave a daily reminder of what God says about worrying...basically don't do it. What does it accomplish? NOTHING!! Except maybe keeping you from sleep or shortening your fingernails too much. It hit me today, after my last leader meeting for Camden, when I opened my phone that this past, oh I don't know, 5 YEARS has been full of worrying done by yours truly. It seems like such a simple thing to do. Don't worry. Done. Boy, do I wish. It is comparable to practicing a sport. You have to practice and be disciplined in order to "perfect" your game. Same with the struggle of worrying. I have to practice and be disciplined to not worry and give all of my thoughts and concerns back to God because they are no use to me. Too bad this took me until 5 days before lift off ha ha...geez :-)

Needless to say, there are multiple things y'all could be praying for alongside us:

Health (Mary's MS; Garrett's collarbone)

Safety (Camden's definitely not a "gated community")

Weather (heat + humidity = grumpy kids and sickness)

Open mind and heart (for both kids and interns)

Revival in the city of Camden (hope has been gone for a VERY long time)

Fun times (times of joy and laughter throughout the summer)

Thank you all for everything!!!!

Organized Chaos

2008-06-18T19:45:00.000-05:00

You would think that summer would mean endless trips to the nearest coast...lounging in the sun without a care in the world right?...bzzz, wrong, please hang up and try again. This summer has ended up being the busiest summer of my short life. Follow me down this tirade if you will:

1. Move out of my apartment a

2. Go to Iowa for a wedding for a week and a half a

3. Wrap up anything that has to do with Camden and the team that is going.

4. Make sure everything is packed in order to move to Texas an day and a half after I return from Camden

5. Go to Camden (June 24th - August 13th)

6. Finances (August 14th)

7. Move to TEXAS!!!

Moving on...in less than a week I will be going back to Camden, NJ to work with Urban Promise and be a summer intern. I have a mixture of excitement, anxiety, and some other emotions that I am sure have no name. I think that once I get there I will be fine. It is just the anticipation before the event...you know like before you know you are going to get a shot at the doctors...same type of feeling. I am sadly not going to be working at the same camp that I worked at last year. Instead I will be working at Camp Grace and I will be living n the Downtown house. So we shall see what that will unfold for me...right? In all seriousness, I am stoked to be working at this camp because the director is an amazing person. He has been involved with UP since he was 6 (he is 23 now). And he is organized...[insert sigh of relief]. Hopefully I will have more fun (and maybe not so fun) updates from Camden :-)

Next...I AM MOVING TO TEXAS!!!! I am going to be attending Texas Tech University in the fall in order to obtain my master in English. Don't worry, don't worry, I will not get a Southern drawl ;-) Anyways, there will DEFINITELY be more updates when that part of my life commences.

Well, lets see how this summer turns out eh?